Kristen Chase took the plunge into motherhood via a surprise pregnancy and is a married mom of two children under three. Formerly a college music professor now writer, stay-at-home-parent, and military wife who recently moved to the Atlanta area.
My husband and I took the Boy Scout approach to preparing for our daughter's arrival. At least, so we thought.
We could say “no episiotomy please” in four different languages. And our birth plan had been laminated and passed out to our birthing staff even before we had picked a name for the baby. But what we hadn’t figured out, amidst our hemp cloth diapers and fourteen baby slings was how we would manage parenting as a couple.
I imagine many couples discuss the division of labor prior to the baby landing in their laps, but we decided that having a meds-free birth was way more important. Or at least, that’s what all the books we read were focused on. If it wasn’t the labor and delivery, it was the butt wiping and the baby acne. I knew the best brand of baby wipes and the secret to sensitive baby skin. But no one said anything about resenting my husband. And no one told me how to fix it either.
The welcoming of a baby into a family brings a myriad of transitions, most of which hit couples like a stone in the eye. All of sudden I was practically house bound, unable to quickly run to the store, or the post office. My body that was once enviable became floppy and misshapen, fitting into nothing but large muu muus and potato sacks. And my reputation as a smart, achieving individual became questionable when I couldn’t figure out how to get my baby to take a nap for longer than ten minutes.
For mothers like me who decided to stay at home with their children, there’s a loss of identity – as a financially contributing member of the household as well as a strong persona that comes with being a member of the workforce. Suddenly I was no longer a college professor but a house wife and mom – both of which do not bring much respect in our overachieving world.
And to top it off, my husband was working long hours and could do nothing but hold the baby for a few minutes before he passed her back to me. He’d tell me that she didn’t like him as he bounced her in several awkward positions. I’d tell him he just needed more time with her as I reluctantly took her back. I no longer felt like his wife, but more like his baby’s mother.
And so, as my own self-image changed, my role in our marriage became blurred.
It’s hard to feel competent when you can’t even get your own child to stop crying. It’s nearly impossible to feel sexy when you’re leaking breast milk and the only underwear that fit or feel comfortable look like granny panties. And instead of bringing us together, our new little baby started tearing us apart.
He wanted to go out to dinner with our friends and I wanted to take a quiet shower and get out of the house alone. He wanted to have sex and I wanted sleep. He wanted to help me but he didn’t know how.
And to be honest with you, I didn’t know how to let him.
I’d like to think most of my difficulties could be blamed on hormones and sleep deprivation. That combination in and of itself is practically lethal. But really, we had never discussed our parenting roles and styles, as well as how we would continue to nurture our own relationship amidst the trials and tribulations of childrearing. We had focused all our energy on her journey into the world, and forgotten about our own journey together.
The first step into rekindling our relationship was making sure we found time alone together. For many parents, the prospect of finding a babysitter and then spending money just for a couple of hours out every other week is daunting. But it’s worth it. A simple visit to a local bookstore for coffee, or a quick dinner alone can offer both parents a well-needed respite. And in my experience, just getting out of the house that screams “clean me” can solve a lot of simple problems.
After you’ve established a regular “parents night out” routine (be it weekly or even just monthly), perhaps it’s time to figure out who is doing what. I suggest creating a duty list so you can both visualize exactly where both your energies are being spread. And in many instances, you can see if one person is being over burdened. It’s on thing to talk about how much you are doing, but when you can see it on paper, it can make a world of difference.
And finally, consider inviting a neutral third party into the mix. Therapy is a guaranteed time alone for you, and having someone who can offer advice and act as a mediator can be invaluable. The therapist can offer expert opinions into why certain things aren’t working and in many cases, can provide reassurance to why you’re feeling a specific way. Therapy can be a difficult “sell” to your spouse, but I suggest making an evening out of it – therapy night. It might end up being something you look forward to each week.
Becoming a parent brings with it a myriad of challenges. Aside from the sleepless nights and stinky bums, the stress on a marriage can be overwhelming. But if you have a plan in place, and a trusty babysitter in your back pocket, you can at least lean on each other when times get rough. This way you’ll have someone to laugh about it with later.
Stay tuned for… Surviving the Holidays with Your In-Laws
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Kristen Chase Co-Founder/Editor Cool Mom Picks
http://www.coolmompicks.com/ We find it, you flaunt it
